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Sometimes .. i find myself petting the golden retriever stuffed animal my boyfriend and i made at build a bear .. i do it subconsciously .. i don’t mean too .. i just do .. I miss my own goldens .. ill be upset and laying on my bed and ill find myself petting it .. or i find myself looking at my dogs collar.. and crying .. i guess i just can’t shake the pain . its been 3 years…

it’s been 3 days…

After 3 days .. I still don’t feel right.. i remember feeling empty when i lost Dusty.. and sad when we lost Maggie.. i feel like when you know it’s going to happen.. you can prepare yourself better.. its not like you wake up and think ” i better distance myself from my dog because god knows its gonna die one day “.  Sunday felt weird already.. it was like i had a feeling something was going to go very wrong .. and then .. one of biggest fears came true finally .. I lost my only connection to my own dog .. I lost my best friend .. in 2 seconds .. I will never understand death and the way it works . i guess the good animals always end up going first . Keeno was one of the sweetest dogs I have ever known .. he was a big stud dog but he didn’t act like it, he was amazing with kids and i could walk him with 1 finger most days .. sometimes with nothing .. he looked like a lion and had the bravery of such. He protected me from the worst of people and then turned back to me like a little puppy . I knew he wouldn’t ever hurt me.. on purpose. He never really lived with us being a stud dog but he and i were inseparable.. I used to go to see my mom’s friend and he would jump up on me and sit on me like a 5 lb yorkie… he was a 99lb golden retriever . I will always love him. I guess i don’t feel myself because like every other death .. i won’t face it .. I never do .. but i don’t have much of a choice I think .. but i certainly don’t talk about it, because i don’t like to cry.

Keeno… My buddy.. I miss you .. if i would have known .. i would have come to see you one more time… I love you buddy and not a day has gone by that i don’t think about you, there isn’t a day that goes by that i don’t think i need to go walk my golden .. I’m sorry.  I love you buddy.. I truly do.  

oh…

well I have noticed a slight pattern in my posts lately .. i realized they are all based upon death of a pet. For those who know what is it to lose a pet , you know it’s not just like .. oh my dog died.. you lose a family member. I wish i could say ” well i gotta stop that ” but i can’t, my whole life is about animals , My family has 4 cats, one of which is mine, we have a dog and i have a horse, i don’t escape animals and honestly .. they have saved my life . 

I lost a best friend today .. He was one of the best goldens i had come to know. i grew up with him, he was born when i was 8 and he and i were almost inseparable. He was actually my moms friends dog but after i lost my two goldens .. he stepped in to be my buddy, we went on walks and i loved him as my own. This morning he bloated and couldn’t be saved . he was 10 . 
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I lost a best friend today .. He was one of the best goldens i had come to know. i grew up with him, he was born when i was 8 and he and i were almost inseparable. He was actually my moms friends dog but after i lost my two goldens .. he stepped in to be my buddy, we went on walks and i loved him as my own. This morning he bloated and couldn’t be saved . he was 10 . 

HMM…

Today was hard, new school , new surrounding and the new urge to cut all because i saw my ex. if he touches me again i will punch him, i am strong now and i am not willing to put up with all his bullshit . Been there , done that, bought the t-shirt, bear the scars. speaking of scars .. i WAS a cutter. I AM REFUSING TO BE ONE AGAIN . I WILL NOT LET MYSELF BE A STATISTIC OR A STORY. FROM THIS POINT ON .. NO MORE CUTTING . I NEED TO BE HERE FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED ME . I BEAR TOO MANY SCARS .. AND I DONT NEED MORE. I WILL ADMIT I WILL NEED SUPPORT IN DOING THIS BUT IF I DONT HAVE IT .. I WILL DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE I AM A FIGHTER, I AM NOT A QUITTER, AND I WANT TO SHAKE THIS HABIT I HAVE.  

Maria - 1, CUTTING - 0. 

WHAT I WAS :

i WAS afraid , i WAS scared, i WAS willing to lay down and take all the beatings, i WAS not strong enough to push him off of me, i WAS too afraid to stand up and say stop tying me down , stop hitting me. i WAS willing to take all of that because i thought nobody else wanted me. I WAS allowing myself to pretend that he truly loved me and thats why he did what he did . i WAS a scared little girl who didn’t know what love truly was. i WAS cutting myself to hide the pain and deal all by myself. I allowed myself to be walked on , beaten , broken down , taken advantage of, all because I thought he loved me. Today i had to look my fear right in the face and for the first time in 3 1/2 years i was terrified but i also felt like I could fight for myself, you see I AM NOT SCARED ANYMORE.. I AM A LOT STRONGER THAN HE WILL EVER KNOW . I AM NOT AFRAID.. I WILL FIGHT HIM, BECAUSE IN ALL ACTUALITY HE CANNOT HURT ME ANYMORE. HE CAN GO TO HELL . I WILL NOT ALLOW HIM TO RUIN MY FUTURE BY WHAT HE DID IN THE PAST. I WAS SCARED. NO MORE. 

if you need help

I just want to put it out there that if you need help or want to talk about anything i am always here for someone. I love helping people and i believe that nobody deserves to feel alone while they are struggling. If you feel the need to cut.. please don’t .. you don’t need that . If you want to throw up .. you’re beautiful and you don’t need to lose any more weight. JUST REMEMBER EVERYBODY IS A FIGHTER. WE ALL FIGHT OUR OWN PERSONAL BATTLES EVERY DAY OF OUR LIVES. PLEASE DO NOT END YOUR BOOK… EVERYONE NEEDS TO FINISH THEIR OWN PERSONAL BOOK. DO NOT END IT . TALK TO SOMEONE. WE ARE ALL FIGHTERS.. LETS DO THIS ALL TOGETHER :) LOVE YOU ALL <3

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