Today was hard, new school , new surrounding and the new urge to cut all because i saw my ex. if he touches me again i will punch him, i am strong now and i am not willing to put up with all his bullshit . Been there , done that, bought the t-shirt, bear the scars. speaking of scars .. i WAS a cutter. I AM REFUSING TO BE ONE AGAIN . I WILL NOT LET MYSELF BE A STATISTIC OR A STORY. FROM THIS POINT ON .. NO MORE CUTTING . I NEED TO BE HERE FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED ME . I BEAR TOO MANY SCARS .. AND I DONT NEED MORE. I WILL ADMIT I WILL NEED SUPPORT IN DOING THIS BUT IF I DONT HAVE IT .. I WILL DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE I AM A FIGHTER, I AM NOT A QUITTER, AND I WANT TO SHAKE THIS HABIT I HAVE.
i WAS afraid , i WAS scared, i WAS willing to lay down and take all the beatings, i WAS not strong enough to push him off of me, i WAS too afraid to stand up and say stop tying me down , stop hitting me. i WAS willing to take all of that because i thought nobody else wanted me. I WAS allowing myself to pretend that he truly loved me and thats why he did what he did . i WAS a scared little girl who didn’t know what love truly was. i WAS cutting myself to hide the pain and deal all by myself. I allowed myself to be walked on , beaten , broken down , taken advantage of, all because I thought he loved me. Today i had to look my fear right in the face and for the first time in 3 1/2 years i was terrified but i also felt like I could fight for myself, you see I AM NOT SCARED ANYMORE.. I AM A LOT STRONGER THAN HE WILL EVER KNOW . I AM NOT AFRAID.. I WILL FIGHT HIM, BECAUSE IN ALL ACTUALITY HE CANNOT HURT ME ANYMORE. HE CAN GO TO HELL . I WILL NOT ALLOW HIM TO RUIN MY FUTURE BY WHAT HE DID IN THE PAST. I WAS SCARED. NO MORE.
I just want to put it out there that if you need help or want to talk about anything i am always here for someone. I love helping people and i believe that nobody deserves to feel alone while they are struggling. If you feel the need to cut.. please don’t .. you don’t need that . If you want to throw up .. you’re beautiful and you don’t need to lose any more weight. JUST REMEMBER EVERYBODY IS A FIGHTER. WE ALL FIGHT OUR OWN PERSONAL BATTLES EVERY DAY OF OUR LIVES. PLEASE DO NOT END YOUR BOOK… EVERYONE NEEDS TO FINISH THEIR OWN PERSONAL BOOK. DO NOT END IT . TALK TO SOMEONE. WE ARE ALL FIGHTERS.. LETS DO THIS ALL TOGETHER :) LOVE YOU ALL <3
Well.. I haven’t been on here in a while so here we go , my previous posts mentioned something about my uncle who had cancer.. well he passed away on July 28, 2013. I miss him a lot, and i think i may have let him down ,I switched my school and my major because honestly i just hated it. All aspects of it . My cat died, that took a toll on me because i really didn’t expect it. I have been trying not to cut lately but i just can’t shake the want or the feeling like I need to. I think its the stress from losing someone close to me, and feeling so insecure about school and worrying about making everybody in the damn world happy . I CANT MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY! I need to focus on making myself happy and my boyfriend. My mom seems to think that yelling at me lately will help . NEW FLASH! DO NOT YELL AT A CUTTER, but then again if your my mom .. you’re daughter is fine.. all thats wrong is a small anxiety disorder . If only she would notice the scar under the tattoo or the scars lacing my body. I am trying not to cut .. i really am.
This Morning at 1:20 I lost a best friend. he was the friend that would cuddle on your lap.. and eat my ice cream without asking .. always begged for ham and I couldn’t say no . I lost my cat tonight . It was so sudden .. He was fine one minute and within the next he was being Euthanized, because he couldn’t be saved . I will miss him so much .. I know i always said i don’t like cats.. but i loved him .. he was really the only cat out of the 4 my family has that i loved .. he could do no wrong in my eyes . I loved him and I will never forget him . He was the most beautiful cat .. the dark black stripes and the big green eyes.. I will miss you Buddy . MY INDIANA JONES.
The other day I had the honor of helping a very beloved pet into another life. I witnessed the euthanasia of a very special pony, misty. I had bonded with this pony over the course of a few months and as she deteriorated i did my best to help her, i gave her shots for her infections and cleaned out her wounds, and kissing her, trying to make her feel loved and wanted. On tuesday her family decided to end her suffering and have a vet come out and put her down. I had the honor of holding her head as they sedated her and as they injected her with the medication that would end her life. I gave her kisses and told her I loved her, and that one day I will see her again, we all will, and i held her as she went down, and she passed in my arms. For those of you who have had animals you know what its like to say goodbye, its never easy. I then had to show the 10 year old who was sitting beside me that it was okay to cry and okay to be sad that she was gone, it was okay to touch her pony and that it was still her pony, just that she was now happier and healthy and she no longer was in pain. I have learned a lot of lessons in the past, but this summer i have had to really grow up . I have 2 lives i have to take care of on a daily basis, and i am now the role model for a 10 year old. I have a horse to take care of and I play the role of sister, babysitter, lesson instructor, and teacher, I had to teach her that things don’t live forever and you can’t let them suffer because you want them here with you . This lesson will forever be the hardest thing I will ever do . Teaching a child about death is never easy, but teaching a child about death with her dead pony on my lap was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I will never forget Misty and the many lessons I’ve been forced to learn over these couple months, and the lessons I’ve been forced to teach. I have to thank a lot of people for the opportunities that I have had over these few months. I’ve made a few mistakes but I feel like in teaching my ” little sister” this very important lesson, I also have learned a thing or two. Goodbye Misty Girl, I love you, and Thank you.
Transparent Eye Gif (eye will be the colour of your blog) ~wasn’t really satisfied with the last one so I tried again~ Made by Totally Transparent
This horse has saved so many things in the past few weeks. He has shown me that trust is once again possible. He has shown me love and shown me .. myself.. in animal form . Peyton is a little rough and loves to test me to my limits.. i do that to people constantly. I got on him and i did fall the third time i rode him .. but because he spooked .. not because he was trying to hurt me . He has shown me hope and faith is once again possible. You can’t work with someone or something you can’t fully trust . Peyton has saved me from myself on multiple occasions this past week. I am a cutter and have been for a long time . But lately after getting him.. i have no want to do that, i don’t see why i need to sacrifice riding time to heal from self harm . I want to show my buddy in the summer but we have a lot of work to do . I am so lucky.
I can’t wait to fall asleep in your arms every night and to wake up seeing your face every morning. Seeing you sleeping softly while I crawl out of bed to make breakfast or to take a shower because it’s Saturday and I have to be at work, and you don’t. I take that hot shower, and then I come back…