Im Molly. Im 19, Im here if anyone wants to talk :) Ask Me anything , I will answer your questions .
I really miss riding, I honestly thought i would never want to see another horse and began to feel as if i was really done with this sport.. I lost 2 in the course of a year or so .. I had attached myself so much to Peyton and then to lose him .. that about killed me .. But i am starting to want to ride .. but the pain inside hurts so bad.. I miss riding.. cantering full force through a field because i could .. I miss those crazy jumps and the crazy riding things i did with him but its all over .. due to owner neglect ..i wasn’t his owner but i know if i was .. he would have lived .. so how do i get back to it ? how do i find away to ride again .. was going to lease a horse recently but found I didnt like his gait and his canter hurt me a bit so i passed on it but now what ? I truly feel dead inside .. like this huge part of my heart has just been removed.. and it sucks ..
I sit here ready though all my past posts and the activity mainly because I can’t sleep yet and I can’t help but to think :
I really can’t cut
I really don’t know how not to
I really love my boyfriend
I really don’t want to hurt him again
I wonder if he would support my decision to seek help.
I wonder if he would he happy.
I wonder how I got so lucky having him as mine.
And yet everything in my mind is pointed towards cutting but it’s not this want to do it . It’s a want to stop . With my boyfriend acting like a sweet boyfriend again .. And with I , feeling more supported and wanted .. I wonder .. Can I do this once and for all .. I really hope so and I hope he will help.
Well maybe I should try to sleep now.
It’s 8 days into June .. and already I have cut .. am I happy about it??? no.. not at all but it has been my “rock” for 7 years or some shit like that .. 7 years and I’m 19 .. umm thats a long damn time .. so after 7 years and some really hard thinking staring at my tattoo and the marks and scars that follow that .. I think Ive decided that it HAS to stop .. its no longer a.. “well i can stop as i want ” or ” i don’t have to ” because in the end .. its not really about you .. its all about what you can do in the world and how it effects everyone around you .. you cut and its like this weird ripple effect .. you may not notice it but other people do.. they see the marks and they wonder why .. and that leads them to wonder why someone can hurt themselves to that extent .. to the people who love you .. they don’t completely understand why you do it but to them it hurts .. so i guess by dating these posts .. maybe in 6 months i can look back and say.. oh wow .. its really been that long ! Thats awesome ! or in a year … or 2 .. or 3 .. who knows . but I haven’t been able to think that far because thats a long time away and its not easy to see the future .. I’m not clairvoyant or anything .. i wish .. just saying ..
i think its time to see a councilor.. as much as i hate the idea .. i think its time to do this thing once and for all ..
ever feel so trapped … like you can’t get away from the thoughts you have … and it makes you feel physically trapped .. all i want to do is get out of this house .. take the dog for a walk .. drive so far fucking far away ..